Each day, I have the hope that I will wake up, vitalized, refreshed, and so full of energy that I’m ready to face the day and embrace life.

Each day, I wake up vastly disappointed as the process of waking up creates a battle in my brain that’s somewhat physically painful and renders me incredibly irritable for the first bit of being awake.

Then I face the majority of my day in a zombielike state of being where everything around me is so lovely and real, but I feel distant and like I can’t break through some kind of wall and touch it.

Frequently, I’m in a bad mood for no good reason. Giving gratitude doesn’t help. Doing the things I like doesn’t help. Thinking and doing for others doesn’t help. I’m just in a bad mood until I’m not. What’s worse, I don’t have anything to be upset about on a personal level- my life is amazing.

Until I face the Existential Dread of losing everyone and everything I care about to the inevitability of us all dying and ending. I’ll have to write a blog about death soon.

I saw a TED Talk once that said that the opposite of depression isn’t happiness, it’s vitality. Does that mean I’m depressed?

I feel sad…sometimes…but I don’t constantly feel sad. I feel more “blah” than anything.

So what does that mean???

What I want is to wake up, vitalized, and be ready and excited to embrace the day. I have a feeling that few people in the world actually wake up and feel this way, though.

Where has all my energy gone?

It’s been like this more or less since I was 20, so I don’t think it’s going to improve.

Life will go on, though, and I’ll get grumpier as the years go by. That should be an interesting experience for my friends and family.

So another curious thing to share with everyone is the number of times I’ve sat down to write a blog on a particular subject, only to have another one suddenly appear and decide that it would rather be written. How amazing is that? At the rate that I’m going, I’m not going to run out of things to write about anytime soon, so you can continue to expect daily or almost-daily updates at this point.

Another thing I’ve found that works best for me is sitting down and writing a blog each day as opposed to scheduling them ahead of time. I could sit down and write five blogs in a row if I really felt up to it, but what seems to really work is to have the practice each day.

Is anyone actually reading the blog, though? Honestly, I’m not sure that matters. What matters is that the blog allows me to express and get my thoughts out, to release the pressure and brain-steam (I made a new word!) so that I can go about the rest of my day with a greater degree of ease.

It’s also kind of sad that my blogs aren’t on a specific subject, but if they were dedicated to a specific subject, I would quickly run out of things to discuss on that subject, methinks.

That happened with my food blog all those years ago. I took the Daily Blog Challenge in 2011 and posted almost 365 blogs that year; I excused myself for not reaching the actual goal because on some of the days, I posted multiple entries. So I technically reached the number without actually posting on a daily basis. Go me!

Ah, those were the days, trying to take pictures with my crappy phone camera and pretending like anything I photographed actually looked decent. Life has changed so much in five years.



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